Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

From Gospel Translations

Contents 1 Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction 1.1 Caring for One Another 1.2 Resolving Conflicts 2 Notes

Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” ^[1]  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom
of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

Caring for One Another

There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

Comfort. To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. 

Counsel. By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites?
Yep.
(Pause) What bait you usin’?
Uh…minnows.
(Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet?
Nope.
(Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures?
(Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year.
Huh.
Yeah…they’re good.
Huh.

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

Encourage. To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

Help. All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects

to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

Correct. Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

Resolving Conflicts

Conflict and offense are inevitable. When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has 

sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

Avoiding conflict. I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

Working through conflict. Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer in the process, and become more godly through the process. Personal victory is not the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

Notes

1. ↑ Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.
2. ↑ Jay Adams, Solving Marriage Problems, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.
3. ↑ Ken Sande, The Peacemaker (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.
4. ↑ Wayne Mack, Your Family, God’s Way (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.