When You Don't Have a Better Half: Encouraging Biblical Roles as a Single Woman

From Gospel Translations

As a college-age feminist, I was taught that men were the problem. The perils of patriarchy were the reason for all the conflict and unresolved desires between men and women. Many of the students in the women's studies department of my university effectively solved this problem by circumventing men in every possible way, the final step being to embrace lesbianism. 

But I had a problem with that, you see. I liked men. And I found it very hard to be a boy-crazy feminist in a "womyn's" world.

As a result, I skirted the edges of political activism and instead embraced a watered-down "you go, girl!" form of feminism displayed on the pages of women's magazines everywhere. Though I liked men, I believed the premise that there was not anything different between us, except for the obvious. We were, therefore, to embrace a cultural androgyny, albeit one equipped with different restrooms.

Then one day I heard the gospel and God turned my world upside down, shaking out all my prior beliefs like so much loose change from my pockets. Nearly a decade out of college, I found myself in church, with a Bible of my own. I was a regenerated Christian in the midst of culture shock.

In God's timing (which I believe includes his divine sense of humor), I started attending a church just as it began an in-depth study of the book of Ephesians. The encouraging words found there about laying aside the old self, building up the body of Christ, and walking in a manner worthy of the gospel came to a shrieking halt by verses 22-24 of chapter 5: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."1

Right. Surely these people didn't think those verses applied to today?! Shock of shocks, they did. But they didn't stop there. They also believed verses 25-33 are applicable for today and they held men to this standard:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Now, given these parameters, submitting to one's loving husband didn't seem like such a bad deal after all. As I watched these doctrines lived out in the marriages before me, I came to understand the depth of God's wisdom in addressing his children's sin tendencies. I was used to being a contentious, controlling woman. After all, "uppity women unite" was a feminist theme. Mastering myself and my sinful tendencies in order to respect a husband was a new challenge for me. But I was eager to do it if I could attract a man like those in my church—men who took responsibility for their children's misbehavior, who scheduled date nights with their wives (romanceafter marriage!), who worshiped the Lord unabashedly, who took responsibility for meetings and agendas and didn't sink into a pool of passivity. Sign me up! I was ready to try this biblical womanhood thing.

A Noun, Not An Adjective

So I waited. Months slipped into years, but no husband came calling. Over time, I began to identify more with an adjective than a noun. I was a single woman. Singleness dominated my perspective. In fact, I just became a single. As in, "So what's going on with the singles these days?" Or, "Let's invite some of the singles over for dinner!" Or, "The singles are going on a retreat next weekend." Thus, the church became a collection of husbands, wives, and singles—the gender-neutral third wheels that messed up the seating arrangements wherever we went.

In the Lord's rich mercy, this perspective was radically altered when I was asked to work on a project mining the gracious truths of biblical femininity. As I studied, I realized that Scripture's emphasis was on being made a woman in the image of God. My marital status informed how that would be applied, but I was to be more preoccupied with my femininity than my singleness. The lingering whiffs of feminism's androgyny were thereby extinguished. I was not a female form outlined in dotted lines, waiting for one man to fill me in and therefore complete my femininity. I was feminine because that's how my God made me, and there was something of his image that I was to reflect as a woman—even a single woman.

My guide was the Proverbs 31 woman. As a Hebrew acrostic taught by a wise mother to a young son, this was a picture of what an excellent, noble, virtuous woman looked like. This mother wanted her son to memorize these virtues so that when it came time for him to marry, he would find a single woman who had already been cultivating these qualities and who, therefore, would make an excellent wife. In the Proverbs 31 portrait, I found a well-rounded woman whose virtues could be applied to every season of life—a savvy businesswoman, a gracious hostess, a gourmet cook, a woman of wise words, a hard worker, a trusted wife, an encouraging mother.

But here's the catch. The Proverbs 31 woman was praised for focusing all her formidable virtues for the benefit of her intimate relationships—her husband, children, and household. Without those defining relationships, my attempts at expressing femininity were more scattershot. I'm not called by Scripture to submit to all men, just my non-existent husband. But along with all believers, I am also called to submit to and obey my parents (Eph 6:1-3). And my pastor (1 Peter 5:5). And my boss (Eph 6:5-8; 1 Pet 2:18). And my governing authorities (Rom 13:1; 1 Pet 2:13-17). I'm also called to intimacy within the body of Christ (Heb 10:24-25), where my femininity is supposed to make a contribution to God's purposes (Titus 2:1-14). But in a broader sense, the fact that I am a woman should flavor all my interactions. What that looks like requires Scripture-infused wisdom.

This is what we will explore in the rest of this article: how single women can cultivate femininity in non-romantic relationships, while encouraging the men around us in their application of masculinity. While there is plenty of great material already written about biblical manhood and womanhood as it applies to marriage or leadership in the church, there is precious little for single adults who exist in the margins. My prayer is that I can make a small contribution for the benefit of my single sisters in Christ.

Be a Help

Because I became a believing Christian as an adult, there were many phrases, habits, and activities of other Christians that initially puzzled or amused me. For example, I had never heard of a wife referred to as a "helpmate." It sounded like a line of camping gear or some kind of storage gadget for your car. But this phrase came from a Scripture reference. Genesis 2:18 reads, "Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" The footnote for "fit" in the ESV says this Hebrew concept could also be translated as "corresponding to."

The Bible makes it clear in numerous passages that as Christians we are all here to serve. But there is a specific application found in Scripture for a wife to be a helper to her husband. Even before that gracious gift of a husband is provided, there are ways for the faint echoes of "helpmate" to be discernible in the lives of single women.

One opportunity is on the job. Whether with subordinates or superiors, we can emulate our Savior by being oriented to helping others—but this is especially important for our immediate bosses. When a friend of mine, Caryn, started a new job as an administrative assistant to several busy pastors, she was silently instructed in this as she watched her veteran colleague, Melody:

"I saw that when Melody enters one of the pastors' offices, her first question is about what she can do for them," Caryn said. "But my default was to walk in to my boss with my agenda and all the things I need him to decide so that I can tackle my To Do List. I was not first concerned with how to help him, but how to feel better about my own productivity."

This helper concept can extend to friendships, as well. We can express our femininity by encouraging single men to lead activities, while offering to assist them. I had a friend, now long married, who excelled at this as a single woman. She was quite good at organizing activities and opening her home for hospitalities, but she saw the long-range implications for allowing her social circle to default to her abilities. So when one of her male friends would call and inquire what the group's plan was for the weekend, she would sweetly inquire, "I don't know. What are you planning?" Then she would offer to assist him in anything he was willing to lead. Her encouragement of male leadership was invaluable to these single men and they were vocally appreciative of it. By not filling the gap in her own strength, she encouraged their leadership and cultivated her role as a counselor and helper. While there's nothing wrong with occasionally taking the initiative to plan events and host parties, we are wiser single women if we take the long-term perspective about what we are sowing in our friendships.

The Importance of a Question

One of the best ways to serve men in any of our relationships—romantic, platonic, or professional—is to ask questions. I don't mean statements that have perfunctory question marks at the end. I mean real inquiries for information or requests to consider another idea. This is not something that comes naturally for me. I have to work very, very hard at killing the pride that motivates me to make pronouncements rather than to ask questions as a helper. But the reason questions are so important is that they position us to serve and counsel to men, and therefore leave room for them to make decisions and lead.

Here are some questions that have been helpful for me to ask in various situations:

1. In learning how to assist your boss: "I have been asked by another manager to take on this certain task. Before accepting, do you prefer that I run these outside requests by you or not?"
2. When you disagree with a male colleague in a meeting: "I can understand why you would be drawn to this conclusion. But what would you think if we tried X as a solution, instead?"
3. When you have a potential correction for a friend: "I may have observed something that could provide a helpful perspective for you. Would you want to talk about it? If so, could I first ask a few more questions to make sure I have put this in the right context?"

One of my friends coined the phrase, "presumptive followership." By this, he means the proactive approach women can take to encourage men to lead. For example, when a woman hosts friends at her home, she could ask one of the men to take responsibility for leading the group's conversation or time of prayer. Or if a woman knows of someone in need, she could quietly ask one of the men if he might lead an effort to meet that need, and offer her assistance to him. It shouldn't be done in a bossy manner, but in a way that assumes the best of the men and graciously sets a high standard and expectation for their behavior. When done with appreciation and true support, women can set the bar very high and men generally will gladly endeavor to meet it. I hesitate to give too many more examples because I don't want to appear to dictate practice over principles. It's not so much how you do something as your aim in doing so and the motive behind it. I certainly wouldn't want to leave any woman with the impression that all conversation has to be indirect and punctuated by question marks! In whatever relationship we have with them, men benefit from our insight, experience, and counsel. They enjoy our direct conversation, humor, and analysis. But when it's time to make a decision, lead a group, or form a plan, the "presumptive followership" that we single women exercise will encourage the men around us in their current and/or future calling to lead a family or a church. The Learning Curve for Leadership All that being said, we need to remember that there is a learning curve for leadership, just as there is one for "followership." Recently I was talking with a mother of only sons, and she remarked that it's not easy for young men to initiate relationships and to lead well in them. There is a learning curve for leadership—and it requires grace and faith from young women as these young men grow. Her husband spends lots of time talking to his sons about how to be clear and effective leaders when both are still single and relate to lots of women in general, but no one woman in particular. "They want to lead well, but they are scared because they feel the women want fully-developed leadership when they've never done it before," this mother commented. "To grow in this area, it takes humility. A guy has to learn to laugh at himself." First Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." This must mean it is not easy for men to understand us and to live in such as a way as to demonstrate that understanding—or else there would be no need for husbands to be commanded to do this. "Likewise" is such an important little word in this passage. You have to go back a few verses to see what Peter is talking about. In chapter 2, verse 11, he writes,

Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

Then he goes on to write what this honorable conduct looks like in various situations, from servants to wives to husbands. After issuing these commands, he sums it up in this way in chapter 3, verse 8, "Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing."

Scripture calls men to live in an understanding (i.e., considerate, respectful) way with their wives. Scripture calls women to respect, honor, and submit to their husbands with joy. These are particular expressions of the virtues listed above for all Christians: unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, tender hearts, humble minds. So what does that mean for single adults? Well, I think we need to remember we're all works-in-progress. A single man of twenty-three does not have the experience or capacity that a father and married man of fifty-three has, and it is unfair to compare them. In those thirty years came many relationships and responsibilities that have shaped the older man. Experience typically confers seasoning.

Thanks to this mother of sons, I am now more aware of how these virtues that Peter lists are sorely needed in us women as the men around us grow in initiating, leading, and communicating direction. And nowhere is this more necessary than when a man initiates a dating/courting relationship with us and we're not excited about his offer. While women must trust God by waiting to be pursued, men must trust God by risking rejection in initiating pursuit. Knowing that, we should want to make this process as encouraging as possible for our brothers in Christ. I'm not suggesting that this means a woman must accept every initiative. But we should care enough for these men to put away self-righteousness, arrogance, and selfishness in these interactions and instead put on humility and encouragement in our response to them.

Whenever a man initiates friendship or more with us, and that's not our preference, we need to treat him graciously as a brother. If he's trying to be a friend, we shouldn't snub him. If he's initiating something more and we aren't in faith for it or can't return the affection, we should exhibit humility by taking the time to consider and pray over his request, get counsel from others (just in case we don't see things clearly), and decline him kindly. We should not look down on any man, but thank him for demonstrating trust in God by risking such a request. We should build him up and make it easy for him to step out once again, even if we are not giving him the answer he wants.

Let me be pragmatic here for a moment. You may not have any attraction to a particular man when he initiates a relationship with you—but it's highly likely that one day he will connect with the woman who is to be his wife. Wouldn't you want to be the kind of gracious woman who makes it easier for him to try again with someone else? And wouldn't you want that from the last woman your future husband pursues? (Don't lose me here in all the hypotheticals.) More importantly than this, don't we all want to be the kind of women who please our Father because we are imitating his Son? Philippians 2:4-6 tells us,

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

The NIV says it this way, "your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

When any man takes any initiative toward us, I would suggest we consider it an evidence of God's grace before we view it any other way. In humility, we should think about how difficult it is for a man to risk rejection. We should care more for his interests in this situation than our own possible awkwardness, discomfort, or even disappointment. Humility dictates that we should be honored, not displeased, when any man expresses interest. Again, that doesn't mean we need to accept. But we should not be angry nor belittle him for having made the effort. Let us be marked by a spirit of sisterly graciousness that wants to cheer on our brothers as they exercise their trust in God to fulfill the Prov 18:22 goal to find a good thing—a wife.

True Liberation

My feminist teachers once taught me that men were the problem. But the Bible taught me that sin is the real problem—and the only true liberation for women, as for men, comes through the cross of Christ. Therefore, as redeemed creatures made male and female in God's image, we have been assigned roles in manifesting his glory to a lost world. Because the Bible assumes marriage is the norm for most adults, these assignments for men and women are most often described in terms of marriage. In a generation greatly affected by the influence of feminism, we see the fallout in the high number of single adults in our churches. How the church can counter that fruitless influence is another verbose discussion of its own.

For now, for the benefit of my single sisters in Christ who must live with this hope deferred, I pray this overview provides reassurance that femininity is defined by our creator and so there are numerous ways we can exhibit that right now for his glory, even without the proverbial "better half."

---

Endnotes
1 Unless noted, Scriptures quotations are from the English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.